Finally the answer to the question that everybody has been literally no-one has ever asked is here:
Why 👏aren’t 👏my 👏crisps 👏hot ♨️♨️♨️ ?
The first step on my journey to solve this conundrum began with an enraged man in Tesco screaming at the snacks in aisle four.
Enraged Man in Aisle Four: “You what? MICROWAVE your crisps???”
Of course, my nom sense tingled and I was compelled to swoop in and investigate what had caused this outburst:
Snack: Fairfields Farm Heat and Eat Crisps, Cheese & Chive + Onion Chutney Dip
Bought at: Tesco
Price: £1.80
Available at: Tesco, Fairfields Farm Crisps
So. Not to brag, but by my estimate I have eaten close to 10,000 bags of crisps during my time on planet Earth. I think I understand as well as anyone all the variables that intersect to create the perfect crisp experience. Crispiness. Meltyness. Saltiness. Spiciness. Tangyness. Turning your tongue blueness. Develop a debilitating chemical dependancy upon themness. Ability to prevent a bank robberyness.
10,000 bags down and I have never once wished they were a tad warmer. Have I been missing out on something special all of this time?
Fairfield Farm seem to think so and have gone all in on this one, claiming that their microwavable crisp + dip pack is: “The most exciting snack concept to date” and are “Taking the crisp market by storm”. Well, let’s see about that then. Let’s gerrem ‘ot!
Assuming having hot crisps is something that we all want, there are a few obstacles that have been holding snack manufacturers back from getting microwavable crisps on the shelves.
Firstly, the vast majority of crisps come in metallised plastic bags these days which means they defo should not be microwaved. Old fashioned plastic bags (like the ones you get on Chipsticks) are usually only used for cheaper products that can be shifted in bulk within the shorter shelf life the non foil wrapped packaging provides. I doubt a small company producing premium crisps could move their products quickly enough before they lost their freshness. Fairfield Farm have got around this by developing a unique (patent pending!) bag made of thicker plastic that stands up by itself like those Walkers Tear and Share Bags.
Another problem with producing microwavable crisps is that they are rather flammable and some of the general public are blithering idiots who are likely to set their microwaves aflame by doing them for far too long. The Heat and Eat Crisps get over this hurdle by listing a lot of caveats alongside the micro instructions:
We are not to exceed the 30 second cooking time. We must make sure the bag is open before we begin. We must remember to take out the dip. We must ensure the microwave turntable is rotating properly. We must not leave the crisps unattended whilst cooking is in progress. If they start to smoke or burn we must keep on going until they are on fire like the picture stop the microwave immediately.
Unfortunately, our trusty Panasonic NE-691 microwave is older than we are and we have to adjust all present day cooking times to take into account that it is only has a weeny 600W of power to work with. I decide to put them on for 40 seconds instead of 30 and cross my fingers in the hope that the house doesn’t burn down.
Megan: “That’s breaking the rules Lottie!”
Lottie: “I laugh in the face of rules.”
Despite being in charge of supervising the crisps, Megan then leaves them unattended to go and get a drink. Some rule follower she is…
We grab the now warm crisps and take them through to the living room for sampling. This immediately causes our furry friend Peri to get very excited by the deliciously potatoey aroma coming from the bag:
Alas, the crisps contain a lot of onion powder (not rat friendly), so she is left to look on longingly as we fill our faces.
By the time we have placated a rat and gathered drinks and pens and paper to take notes, the heated crisps have been sat for five minutes or so. This highlights the third problem with crisps designed to be microwaved: The laws of thermodynamics.
Crisps do not have a surface area to volume ratio that lends itself to heat retention. They are still warm as we dig in, but not as hot as we might have hoped. The dip too is room temperature as it came in the same bag – it would probably have benefited from being chilled to add some extra interest with a contrast in temperatures. Ah well, time to crunch.
Oooh they have remained impressively crispy. They have that thick shattering crunch that you only get with handcooked crisps. Impressive. The flavour is pretty good too – a classic cheese and chive that almost, but not quite, reaches the gold standard achieved by the long lost Spice Girl edition Sour Cream and Chive Walkers (Neva 4Get). The onion chutney is very pleasant too – it’s not too sweet and very savoury and oniony.
The problem is though, that the warmth of the crisps mutes the flavour. We tried one before warming and found it to be quite punchy and flavourful. They have lost their edge after microwaving. The dip too, although nice, is too close in flavour profile to the cheese and chive and instead of complementing the flavours and elevating them, it just overwhelms them. Something a bit further away on the flavour wheel (perhaps a salsa?) would have served them better.
So why aren’t my crisps usually hot? Partly because it’s a pain in the arse for manufacturers to produce microwavable crisps, partly because you get a two minute window to eat them while the temperature is right, but mostly because it doesn’t really seem to add anything to the nomming experience.
Having said that, the crisps themselves were a good flavour and had a really good crunch, so I would definitely give their regular range a go if I see them.
Off the Bitten Track 
